I’ve already expressed my love for music in previous postings and I probably won’t be able to fully express the importance of music to my life and soul. 

Even though my prefered type of music is rock and roll I have been listening to anything I can get my hands on lately (since getting my palm a 1GB card and filling it with music).  I’ve really enjoyed the new Gnarls Barkley, and Kanye West as they do hip hop in a different way at least to my ear.  I also am enjoying the new Tool and some George Thorogood.  Selecting all the music on my palm and turning on the random option has really showed me how eclectic my tastes can be (Kanye West followed by Guns and Roses followed by the Science friday podcast).  I’m so addicted to having music fill my house I’ve been looking at finding a way to afford the sonos system so that every room in the house has speakers and is playing the same song throughout the house (mmmm  surround stereo house). 

My tastes have changed so much over the years and makes it fun to listen to some of my old cd’s.  I grew up on 80’s rock and roll (Gn’R, Metallica, Pantera, etc.) and moved on to punk rock in my late teens and early adulthood.  I spent most of my time in my early 20’s at punk rock shows (pitting of course), every weekend without fail me and my friends would go to a backyard or find a club playing some punk rock.  During that same time I was introduced to ska and reggae which I enjoyed as well and filled in on the weekends we couldn’t find a punk rock show.  Now I just listen to whatever I get my hands on (this habit is getting a little expensive) that I think I might enjoy, viva the internet for providing a resource to find talent I wouldn’t find otherwise.

Music plays so many roles for me it’s amazing.  From entertainment to escape from things I don’t want to feel at the time to deeping my feelings at the time the list goes on and on.  Even as I write this I have music playing the the background.  I’m so glad to be able to share it with my friends to discover what they enjoy an to share what I’m currently into. 

Thanks for reading the ramblings

To read other’s ramblings go here.


A friend of mine came over yesterday and we had a great time cooking in my small kitchen.  These are the results.  They taste as good as they look.

over view An overview of the five dishes we made.

salad A salad with blue cheese dressing, radishes and gargonzola.

health  Zucchini with feta and a bean, pea, broccoli medely.

lentils and black beans Pav bhaji lentils and a black bean, mango and jicama salad.  Both mm mm spicy. 

the sink afterward  The sink the morning after the evening before.

We also made roasted broccoli and garlic which was so easy and delicious it was almost insane. 

The entire experience was awesome: the cooking, the conversating, the eating.  I feel really blessed to have friends to share my life with and to make it better.

Some of the recipes came from Yogi times and Kalyn's Kitchen.

Warning: I just got back from An Inconenvient Truth so I'm a little rilled up with us as a country right now (we'll see how that comes out).   Never the less you must go see this movie it is awe inspiring and very sobering, hell take a friend or a dozen it will be worth it for you and them.

Anyways on to the scribblings.

The question was asked : if you could have ANY mystery unveiled for you, what would it be? 

Why are we (as humans) so resistant to change?

Why do we continue down paths of self-destruction knowingly and willfully?  Why do we convince ourselves that another path is harder even if it is better for us?  I know in my personal experience that when I have tried to change myself in big ways and get away from an aspect of my self-destruction it was scarry and full of excuses not but afterward it was always worth it.  Why do I sometimes desire to be with my ex-lover knowing full well that we are both healthier spiritualy and emotionally now that we are apart?  Why does my father refuse to learn new skills to provide for himself and my mother now that he is older and not able to work in the same way he used to in the past?  Why do we as American's refuse to change the way in which we use the world's resources to make money?  Why do we still think that money can't be made while we preserve our earth, instead of devouring it like unthankful parasites?  Why do we still believe that recycling, reducing and reusing is inconveniet?  Why do some think that the earth has unlimited resources for us to use? Now that I think of it if I did KNOW for sure why we as humans get stuck so easily, would it change anything.  Would it make my own change easier?  Hopefully!  I am a realist (or skeptic, depending on how you look at it) and would regretfully have to concede that it might not change anything on a broad scale.  Knowledge may be power but the real change happens in the action. 

The opposite of that same question was asked : What do I want to remain a mystery?

Is there a God?

I don't want to know.  I've made up my mind on the subject and it keeps me driven in my own life.  I believe that if the world did know for sure all it would do is cause more strife over what I see now as a moot issue.  For me there is no god, at least not like the one I was raised with in my parent's christian household.  There is no god that will save me, only I can do that.  There is no god that punishes me for my actions, reality does a great job at that.  There is no got that has a master plan for me, that's my job.  He, she, or it is to busy doing something (like creating other worlds/universes) to have time to take our responsibility from us.  There is a god that gave us the privilage of living on this earth for a short time, take advantage of it you may not get another chance.  There is a god that created the wonderfulness that is our universe, earth and lives ; appreciate it as it is now for it will change or be gone in a instant.  There is a god that gave us our awesome ability to learn, adapt and create ; let us use our god given powers to do what he/she/it did: create a beautiful, symbiotic, self-sustaining  world.

To read about other people's mysterious world.

my first tat

This is my first tattoo. 

I got it when I was 20.  I remember showing it off for the first time, out in front of the Troubador in Hollywood, and having the reaction of my friends be either "Damn!" or "Whoa!" (leaning back, eyes wide, mouths covered).  That made me smile from ear to ear.  When I got this tattoo that's the reaction I wanted.  I wanted something about me to be impressive. 

As I have written about in the past my self esteem as a child and teenager was very low.  Looking back now on getting this tattoo I would have to say that it altered my body in such a way that I lessened my shame of what I looked like.  If I had a shirt on I didn't stand out but when I did I definately stood out.  It gave me a reason to take my shirt off while running around the mosh pit or at the pool.  I no longer worried about what people said about my extra wieght (at the time I wieghed 280+ pounds) because they wouldn't talk about that they would talk about the tattoo.

When I got the tattoo I got it to identify myself strongly with the group of friends  that I had at the time.  When I got it I wanted something that said something about me and my friends would be impressed with.  I'm glad with what I chose for so many reasons as these two words define me on so many levels.  I've had a job either with my father or on my own since I was 10.  I'm very grateful, now, to my father for teaching my a good work ethic which has paid so many dividends.  This tattoo reminds me daily that a job well done is it's own biggest reward.  If my only claim to fame is being a hard worker that's just find by me.  Even while doing yoga this tattoo is my focus point as I look in the mirror.  So even though now that I'm older and the meaning of the tattoo has changed it's still my favorite. 

To see other's tat's check out self portrait challenge.

Well I've spent the last few days glancing at the various responses to the sunday scribblings (all of them interesting and inspiring).  They got me thinking on what/who was my first love and what they meant to me, and I decided to take it in a different direction from what I've seen.  So here it goes.

I was introduced to my first love by my dad.  He would have my first love over everyday from as far back as I can remember.  When I first met this eventual love of mine I thought she was just kinda wierd, a little cool, and noisy.  Little did I know how much solace, inspiration, comfort, entertainment, and power I  would get out of my first love.  I'm one of the lucky ones in that I still get to experience my first love all the time; just the two of us, with friends, with strangers. 

I remember having my first love over for a visit when I was four or five.  My parents didn't really approve of the way she dressed, talked about, or even how loud my first love could get.  Which was wierd because dad always allowed them to be noisy in his room.  I didnt' mind the rags she would trapse around in, or the wild hair he would sometimes show off.  I just wanted to be in the room with my first love, because she would accept me as I was and would inspire me to better my self. 

I remember walking to and from school everyday with my first love.  He would talk with me about: love, politics, religion, fustration, work, freedom, anything, and everything.  We spent many months on the subject of religion.  We talked about what it meant to me, on what it looked like to him, how he practiced, how I didn't like the way I was taught to practice.  The more I heard how my true love practiced his spirituality the more I wanted to practice in the same way.  Today I experience god the same way my first love does: my way, the right way.

As I got older and bought my first car I immediately went to go see my first love put on her many performances.  I would get all dressed up to go see her with my friends.  I would drive (some weekends) hundreds of miles to see her.  My friends and I always enjoyed seeing her, and were never disapointed with her performance.  She had moved on from her rags to wearing well tailored clothes and she was even louder now than before.  My dad couldn't complain about my first love because I would go see her at her house and she always liked it louder. 

Now that I'm older I don't visit my first love's house as much as I would like but they still come over to visit regularly.  Just like all the love I've experienced in my life I've been disapointed with my first love at times but I've experienced so much pleasure around them that I have no business complaining.  I've also spent more and more money on my first love as I get older and they have always graciously accepted and returned dividends beyond any amount of money I've put out. 

My entire life has been experienced with and through my first love.  I can't imagine my life with out it.  My first love has made my world a better place.  It has changed my mind many times and given me insight in other people's worlds.  My first love has been there when I have cried, loved, felt rapture, been drunk, danced, sung, and laughed.  I share my first love with friends and strangers with hope that they can experience some of the things that I have with it.  I count myself lucky that I've have this love affair with it and always can find a new and interesting aspect of it.  My first love is always changing for me, showing me new aspects of it self.

Meet My First Love: Music

To read about other's first love check out Sunday Scribblings.

"Music is like a drug when you hear it you have a vision and your vision can change over time or stay the same….  If you're watching a music video and it's exactly the same as your vision, Kill yourself."  Lewis Black (comedian) 


So this is probably my most favorite picture of myself that I know of.  It's simple honest and every time I look at it I smile and feel better about myself in some small way.  I've never considered myself a very vain person, until recently with my accident I guess that I've taken for granted my attactiveness.  Growing up I was very over wieght and felt very unatractive due to that, it also didn't help that I would reinforce that thinking every time looking into the mirror, sometimes out loud sometimes not.  So when I moved out of my parents home for the final time, weighing 290 pounds, I was resolute in losing some weight.  I spent the next 10 months on the low carb diet, all the rage at the time, losing 100 pounds by the end.  I remember very vividly looking in the mirror about 4 or 5 months into that and seeing a different face and saying OUT LOUD "It don't matter your still ugly".  I've beeen able to keep most of that wieght off for the last 5 years and I feel so much more comfortable with my body and my looks it's insane for me to think back and on those times, when I was over wieght, and see the harm that I was doing to myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. 

Those ten months changed my life on so many levels.  Physically I changed dramatically my body and face looked different.  It was now easier and painless to sit, stand, move, run, play, and work.  I went from noticing girls frown and gawk in my direction to returning a smile or "check" me out.  Those ten months were also very transformative for me mentally as well.  It proved to me how that if I set my mind and actions to something, anything I could accomplish it.  It proved to me that my body is a product of my food and my enviroment; if I put junk food in I feel and look like crap, if I put in food prepared by me with the intention of nurturing and sustaining myself I feel better and look better.  I also learned to cook.  I even learned to appreciate it and then to love it and now I'm addicted. 

Over the last five years many things have changed in my life, but the love and appreciation of food and the care it takes to make it are never lost on me.  I have also become a million times more accepting of myself and the way I look.  I guess I've almost taken it for granted.  So I'm grateful for the lessons that I obviously had to learn from my accident: Appreciate and safe gaurd my life, health and looks they are wonderful asset that can be lost in a split second;  Use my job as it was meant to be used, as a way to have a life worth experiencing not a life full of collecting expensive things;  Fully appreciate the now as it is all I have and it's gone never to be reclaimed or relived.

Now after my current accident I try hard to accept deep down that I'm still attractive.  I accept that some may give me a double take on the street, and still return a smile.  I accept that this to shall pass.  I accept that I enjoy feeling good about my self and part of that starts in my food.  I accept that if I do exercise I will live a longer, happier, sexier life. I accept that I must take care of my self in all aspects of life. 

Thank you for your time and energy in reading this.  To read and look at others pictures go to the self portrait challenge.

The suggestion this week from the Scribblings is to write something about My three wishes so I'll get down to it

  1. That peace, and compassion were our only options when dealing with each other. This is actually stolen from a friend of mine.  We had a conversation about what would the world look like if this were our only options.  I know conflicts might take longer to resolve (maybe not if we had no other choices).  How amazing the world would be.  Our current state of affairs in this country would be so different, I can't imagine what our government would be focused on; Health care for all, Ridding the world of famine, Ensuring that the entire planet had clean water and food, Ensuring that those who toil in labor are recogized for their blood and sweat instead of tossed aside and used up.  I know utopian and slightly crazy but they're my wishes and I've got a good Genie.
  2. Make preserving, saving, and maintaining our enviorment profitable. This would so dramatically change the way that business and us as consumers interact with the world.  I believe that eventually in the near future that we as a planet wil have no choice but to have a way of doing just this.  It's just sad that we will have destroyed and damaged our planet so badly for this to happen.  I read an article the other day on how there are some economic theories out there on how to do just this, essentially give value to our natural resources and make them valuable enough that they can be sustained rather than stripped.  I know further craziness.
  3. That integrity and truth were our only options when dealing with each other. The problems that I experience in my life with other peolpe seem to stem from people's fear of just being truthful about themselves, their wishes, or their needs.  It amazes me sometimes the corner I can paint myself into because "I don't want to hurt someone else's feeling" or "I don't think it's the right time to talk about this subject".  Really all those statement are an excuse for me to LIE to somebody about myself, about them, about my circumstances, or about my needs or wishes.

Well there are my wishes.  I know they won't be coming true tomorrow so that's why they are called wishes.   Oh and if i were to just wish for myself : 

  1. To be happy with what I have.
  2. To meditate daily.
  3. To have the knowledge and fearlessness to own and operate a business that allows me the time, and resources to visit every part of our wonderful planet.

Thanks again to Sunday Scribblings for your inspiration, and giving me something to look forward to writing about on the weekends.