happiness

So this is probably my most favorite picture of myself that I know of.  It's simple honest and every time I look at it I smile and feel better about myself in some small way.  I've never considered myself a very vain person, until recently with my accident I guess that I've taken for granted my attactiveness.  Growing up I was very over wieght and felt very unatractive due to that, it also didn't help that I would reinforce that thinking every time looking into the mirror, sometimes out loud sometimes not.  So when I moved out of my parents home for the final time, weighing 290 pounds, I was resolute in losing some weight.  I spent the next 10 months on the low carb diet, all the rage at the time, losing 100 pounds by the end.  I remember very vividly looking in the mirror about 4 or 5 months into that and seeing a different face and saying OUT LOUD "It don't matter your still ugly".  I've beeen able to keep most of that wieght off for the last 5 years and I feel so much more comfortable with my body and my looks it's insane for me to think back and on those times, when I was over wieght, and see the harm that I was doing to myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. 

Those ten months changed my life on so many levels.  Physically I changed dramatically my body and face looked different.  It was now easier and painless to sit, stand, move, run, play, and work.  I went from noticing girls frown and gawk in my direction to returning a smile or "check" me out.  Those ten months were also very transformative for me mentally as well.  It proved to me how that if I set my mind and actions to something, anything I could accomplish it.  It proved to me that my body is a product of my food and my enviroment; if I put junk food in I feel and look like crap, if I put in food prepared by me with the intention of nurturing and sustaining myself I feel better and look better.  I also learned to cook.  I even learned to appreciate it and then to love it and now I'm addicted. 

Over the last five years many things have changed in my life, but the love and appreciation of food and the care it takes to make it are never lost on me.  I have also become a million times more accepting of myself and the way I look.  I guess I've almost taken it for granted.  So I'm grateful for the lessons that I obviously had to learn from my accident: Appreciate and safe gaurd my life, health and looks they are wonderful asset that can be lost in a split second;  Use my job as it was meant to be used, as a way to have a life worth experiencing not a life full of collecting expensive things;  Fully appreciate the now as it is all I have and it's gone never to be reclaimed or relived.

Now after my current accident I try hard to accept deep down that I'm still attractive.  I accept that some may give me a double take on the street, and still return a smile.  I accept that this to shall pass.  I accept that I enjoy feeling good about my self and part of that starts in my food.  I accept that if I do exercise I will live a longer, happier, sexier life. I accept that I must take care of my self in all aspects of life. 

Thank you for your time and energy in reading this.  To read and look at others pictures go to the self portrait challenge.

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