May 2006

Well I've spent the last few days glancing at the various responses to the sunday scribblings (all of them interesting and inspiring).  They got me thinking on what/who was my first love and what they meant to me, and I decided to take it in a different direction from what I've seen.  So here it goes.

I was introduced to my first love by my dad.  He would have my first love over everyday from as far back as I can remember.  When I first met this eventual love of mine I thought she was just kinda wierd, a little cool, and noisy.  Little did I know how much solace, inspiration, comfort, entertainment, and power I  would get out of my first love.  I'm one of the lucky ones in that I still get to experience my first love all the time; just the two of us, with friends, with strangers. 

I remember having my first love over for a visit when I was four or five.  My parents didn't really approve of the way she dressed, talked about, or even how loud my first love could get.  Which was wierd because dad always allowed them to be noisy in his room.  I didnt' mind the rags she would trapse around in, or the wild hair he would sometimes show off.  I just wanted to be in the room with my first love, because she would accept me as I was and would inspire me to better my self. 

I remember walking to and from school everyday with my first love.  He would talk with me about: love, politics, religion, fustration, work, freedom, anything, and everything.  We spent many months on the subject of religion.  We talked about what it meant to me, on what it looked like to him, how he practiced, how I didn't like the way I was taught to practice.  The more I heard how my true love practiced his spirituality the more I wanted to practice in the same way.  Today I experience god the same way my first love does: my way, the right way.

As I got older and bought my first car I immediately went to go see my first love put on her many performances.  I would get all dressed up to go see her with my friends.  I would drive (some weekends) hundreds of miles to see her.  My friends and I always enjoyed seeing her, and were never disapointed with her performance.  She had moved on from her rags to wearing well tailored clothes and she was even louder now than before.  My dad couldn't complain about my first love because I would go see her at her house and she always liked it louder. 

Now that I'm older I don't visit my first love's house as much as I would like but they still come over to visit regularly.  Just like all the love I've experienced in my life I've been disapointed with my first love at times but I've experienced so much pleasure around them that I have no business complaining.  I've also spent more and more money on my first love as I get older and they have always graciously accepted and returned dividends beyond any amount of money I've put out. 

My entire life has been experienced with and through my first love.  I can't imagine my life with out it.  My first love has made my world a better place.  It has changed my mind many times and given me insight in other people's worlds.  My first love has been there when I have cried, loved, felt rapture, been drunk, danced, sung, and laughed.  I share my first love with friends and strangers with hope that they can experience some of the things that I have with it.  I count myself lucky that I've have this love affair with it and always can find a new and interesting aspect of it.  My first love is always changing for me, showing me new aspects of it self.

Meet My First Love: Music

To read about other's first love check out Sunday Scribblings.

"Music is like a drug when you hear it you have a vision and your vision can change over time or stay the same….  If you're watching a music video and it's exactly the same as your vision, Kill yourself."  Lewis Black (comedian) 



So this is probably my most favorite picture of myself that I know of.  It's simple honest and every time I look at it I smile and feel better about myself in some small way.  I've never considered myself a very vain person, until recently with my accident I guess that I've taken for granted my attactiveness.  Growing up I was very over wieght and felt very unatractive due to that, it also didn't help that I would reinforce that thinking every time looking into the mirror, sometimes out loud sometimes not.  So when I moved out of my parents home for the final time, weighing 290 pounds, I was resolute in losing some weight.  I spent the next 10 months on the low carb diet, all the rage at the time, losing 100 pounds by the end.  I remember very vividly looking in the mirror about 4 or 5 months into that and seeing a different face and saying OUT LOUD "It don't matter your still ugly".  I've beeen able to keep most of that wieght off for the last 5 years and I feel so much more comfortable with my body and my looks it's insane for me to think back and on those times, when I was over wieght, and see the harm that I was doing to myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. 

Those ten months changed my life on so many levels.  Physically I changed dramatically my body and face looked different.  It was now easier and painless to sit, stand, move, run, play, and work.  I went from noticing girls frown and gawk in my direction to returning a smile or "check" me out.  Those ten months were also very transformative for me mentally as well.  It proved to me how that if I set my mind and actions to something, anything I could accomplish it.  It proved to me that my body is a product of my food and my enviroment; if I put junk food in I feel and look like crap, if I put in food prepared by me with the intention of nurturing and sustaining myself I feel better and look better.  I also learned to cook.  I even learned to appreciate it and then to love it and now I'm addicted. 

Over the last five years many things have changed in my life, but the love and appreciation of food and the care it takes to make it are never lost on me.  I have also become a million times more accepting of myself and the way I look.  I guess I've almost taken it for granted.  So I'm grateful for the lessons that I obviously had to learn from my accident: Appreciate and safe gaurd my life, health and looks they are wonderful asset that can be lost in a split second;  Use my job as it was meant to be used, as a way to have a life worth experiencing not a life full of collecting expensive things;  Fully appreciate the now as it is all I have and it's gone never to be reclaimed or relived.

Now after my current accident I try hard to accept deep down that I'm still attractive.  I accept that some may give me a double take on the street, and still return a smile.  I accept that this to shall pass.  I accept that I enjoy feeling good about my self and part of that starts in my food.  I accept that if I do exercise I will live a longer, happier, sexier life. I accept that I must take care of my self in all aspects of life. 

Thank you for your time and energy in reading this.  To read and look at others pictures go to the self portrait challenge.

The suggestion this week from the Scribblings is to write something about My three wishes so I'll get down to it

  1. That peace, and compassion were our only options when dealing with each other. This is actually stolen from a friend of mine.  We had a conversation about what would the world look like if this were our only options.  I know conflicts might take longer to resolve (maybe not if we had no other choices).  How amazing the world would be.  Our current state of affairs in this country would be so different, I can't imagine what our government would be focused on; Health care for all, Ridding the world of famine, Ensuring that the entire planet had clean water and food, Ensuring that those who toil in labor are recogized for their blood and sweat instead of tossed aside and used up.  I know utopian and slightly crazy but they're my wishes and I've got a good Genie.
  2. Make preserving, saving, and maintaining our enviorment profitable. This would so dramatically change the way that business and us as consumers interact with the world.  I believe that eventually in the near future that we as a planet wil have no choice but to have a way of doing just this.  It's just sad that we will have destroyed and damaged our planet so badly for this to happen.  I read an article the other day on how there are some economic theories out there on how to do just this, essentially give value to our natural resources and make them valuable enough that they can be sustained rather than stripped.  I know further craziness.
  3. That integrity and truth were our only options when dealing with each other. The problems that I experience in my life with other peolpe seem to stem from people's fear of just being truthful about themselves, their wishes, or their needs.  It amazes me sometimes the corner I can paint myself into because "I don't want to hurt someone else's feeling" or "I don't think it's the right time to talk about this subject".  Really all those statement are an excuse for me to LIE to somebody about myself, about them, about my circumstances, or about my needs or wishes.

Well there are my wishes.  I know they won't be coming true tomorrow so that's why they are called wishes.   Oh and if i were to just wish for myself : 

  1. To be happy with what I have.
  2. To meditate daily.
  3. To have the knowledge and fearlessness to own and operate a business that allows me the time, and resources to visit every part of our wonderful planet.

Thanks again to Sunday Scribblings for your inspiration, and giving me something to look forward to writing about on the weekends. 

After having my accident I have been wonderfully reminded that I am not as friendless as I think I am.  I have been wonderfully reminded of how many people respect and care for me by all the phone calls and people stopping by my house to say hello and look at the damage.  It's been wonderful to see the variety.  From the ex-roommate stopping by with a couple of beers to shoot the stuff to my ex-girlfriend staying with me for 8 hours waiting in the ER.  I've had friends come over and talk about baseball, relationships, other people's broken noses, work, video games, anything to help releive my boredom and get my mind off of being hurt.  I'm thankful for all of them, it reminds me that maybe I'm doing something correct in my life.  I'm also very thankful for the help I've gotten from my parents as they have been here trying their best to make sure I'm comfortable and taken care of.  Even though sometimes the exicution of their actions goes a little awry I know that they have the best intentions at heart. 

I've been thinking lately about what relationships in my life are my most important.  With out a doubt my close friends mean so much to me that I can't even completely explain how much importance they hold in my heart.  I would have to say that some of my most fulfilling relationships in life have been my friends.  I guess for me they allow me the space to express myself without fear of repercussions or punishment.  I guess the fact as friends they don't have as much of a emotional hold on me as a girlfriend, I feel more free to express myself and just act the way I want.  Some say that then I limit the amount of emotional growth that I can acheive, I don't totally agree with that as I feel that my friends can be a testing ground for living my truth.  I also have found that friends are more accepting of change in me so if I decide to practice being more concious with my actions they don't take it personal, they just chalk it up to me being this oddball that they have grown to love and respect. 

Here's something totally off-beat that has had me laughing alot also down load the podcasts off of iTunes (Questions 15 and 17 had me on the floor laughing)

Enjoy life and please be safe out there

Pipe 1 - Face 0

Pipe 1 – Face 0

I don't even know what to say about the above picture and how it relates to me.  I look at it and it quite doesn't register that it's me, it almost looks like some sort of crazy super hero ( look out villans here comes captain swoll with his side kick gauze). 

How do you spend your weekdays?  

         This week recovering and getting ready to go back to school

Who lives in your house? 

         Me, two fish, and Mr. Blacktail (a anole lizard)

Favourite pastime and worst job? 

         Hiking,  working for my dad as a kid

Why are you doing self portraits? 

         To see what it brings up for me in my journalling and as a way to keep this blogging thing interesting. 

What does this picture say to me? 

         Beyond the initial F'ing OW!  This reminds me how fragile my body is compared to my work surroundings,  that me and my partner are the softest things on that ship.  This also brings up for me how I have for most of my life thought of myself as unattractive and how I have worked hard for the last 4-5 years to become more comfortable with my body.  That work has led to me being able to keep 80+ pounds off and to wear a smile on a regular basis, two big contributors to better self image.  While I don't feel less attractive now because I realize that this to shall pass, I also realize that continuing to do what I do at work may need to change if I want to keep my self from serious harm. 

A part of me is kinda excited to see what I look like after all the swelling goes down and only the scar is left.  It should be a doozy (13 stitches) and contribute to that tough exterior that I try to put up. 😛

Go check out other people at :

So it's sunday afternoon and here i am just goofing with this blogging thing.  I read a blog list off of pronia about working a four day work week.  The article is interesting to me on may level as I have identified my self really heavily with my job for the last 7 years.  On thursday night i got hurt on the job, hit in the face with the end of a pipe.  With a glorious laceration and two black eyes any prize fighter would be proud of.  It seems as though when I get hurt my macho comes out in spades.  I guess part of that comes from my dad as I have seen him be in pain from some sort of injury all of his life and just work through it no matter what.  While sitting in the emergeny room waiting to be stitched up (5 internal and 13 external)  I was thinking about the time my father fell off of a ladder and crushed his right ankle, proceeded to drag himself around the house to the back door (which at the time was 3 ft off the ground he was laying on due to having to replace the back porch) get himself into the house and call his own ambulance at the time as a kid I thought that was just the apitome of tough.  I guess what comes up for me when i get hurt is to not look weak.  Which ends up having a  interesting effect on the type of care I get, since I don't end up making a whole lot of noise about being hurt doctors end up thinking that my injuries are probably not that serious. 

I get taken to the nearest hospital by ambulance ride.  I walk in under my own power just holding my face to keep the 2 inch gash from flowing blood everwhere.  I get asked a few questions about what happened and proceed to wait for the next 45 minutes to get a room in what is called fast track.  A physical assistant comes in and checks me out for a couple of minutes and then gets things prepped to stitch me up.  I guess I was the most interesting thing going on in the ER at that time because during the stitch up process I was surrounded by 3 younger emt trainees and a girl in pre-med.  They were facinated with being able to see the muscle in my cheeck move.  Anyways i get stitched up and discharged with no x-rays or ct scan looking for broken bones or possible neck injury.  At the time I wasn't really worried about it  but when I wake up the next morning and my right eye is shut.  I go back to another ER room on friday and spend 8 hours waiting for them to check me out and find that I have a broken bone under my right eyeball, nothing to worry about really I guess as it is a very small fracture. (thank goodness)

It is kind of wierd to watch myself react to getting hurt as the response is sometimes oppisite of what I think of myself as.  A better way to put it is by example: I enjoy yoga, hiking, cooking, reading, and meditation.  In general my typical guy friends at work comment that I'm a little on the soft side maybe even a little feminine especially since i don't have the facination with sports that they do.  But I refuse to be seen as a wuss when it comes to pain or injury.   When I think about it that while I'm very comfortable being seen as a little wierd or different, I hate being seen as weak.